Life

The fear of the unknown dwells upon her, as she sits in one of the brightly lit rooms, waiting for the show to start yet again. She looks around and notices all the beings she has grown up with, carrying a different demeanor than that actually existing. The transition from morning to night, from being a mother, a sister, to that of a life form carrying glitzy attire, waiting to feed the savage beasts.

She looks around waiting for her turn with the feeling of disgust churning her insides, hoping against hope to get saved from the place she once knew as a safe haven, waiting in anticipation to see her knight in shining armor to come and save her. But the flame of hope always dies down with the swirling of her dress and the tapping of her feet to the sound of the music echoing all over the street.

The night proceeds to darken their already unlit future. But the lights bring a contrast and soon the streets flourish with colors disguising their once sordid form. But all this ends with the ray of sun taking them back to their coffins.

Is this what God sent her here for? Becoming the most lovable creatures at night and then turning into a sin with the first sign of ray of light.

She has forgotten how to smile, to scream, to feel, to walk with her head held high, to win, to cherish the little things in life, to enjoy the soft sound of the rain drops, the chirping of the birds. She has forgotten how to live, to be free without the chains holding, engulfing her within itself, choking her yet giving her only that much air to let her live so her misery can be prolonged.

Her world revolves around sadness, which engulfs her every night. She only knows how to cry, to dance, to sing, to watch in agony her guardians being touched. She only remembers the sounds of people calling her names, a plague of the society, evil residing in the heart of the cultural city.

Did she choose this destiny? Did she not want the sun to shine down on her? Does she not want the winds to caress her body? To feel the rain trickle down her face? Does she not want the river to flow besides her? Yet whenever she crosses, the sun hides behind the clouds. The cruel winds whisper in her ears hissing their hatred. Hailstorm bursts on her, the rivers change their paths as if trying to erase her mere existence.

Nature does not forgive her. People eye her, judging her yet feed on her. And so she finds solace, a peace of mind in the wretched surroundings and buildings that is conveniently called home.
This is her home. This is her destiny. She is cursed with the truth till the day she dies.

A Thought

I was lost in the mist of the unknown. The neighborhood which was so friendly, inviting, full of familiar faces seemed to have lost the hospitality. Now walking through the dark alley towards my home, darkness engulfed me, suffocating me. The barren street showed no sign of mercy, the ruins of the houses drew a picture of the massacre that summoned out loud for no one to hear. The cold stench of death invaded my nostrils, stinging them. The odor of the burning of Mother Nature cascaded my mind. Tears burning in my eyes, my silent anger threw out questions at no one in particular. What had happened to this world? Who was responsible for so many deaths? Who was responsible to destroy the flow of nature? Why were people so mesmirized by their own fantasies and selfish desires then to see who they left behind hurting?

By year 2020, our children would be living in such hell if humanity continues to go on the same rate of demolition. We have always taken the earth for granted. Assuming that whatever we do, it would always be there for us. For what ever action we take, we presume that the world will automatically take the course for betterment.

Global warming, ozone depletion, apartheid in South Africa, homeless families, hungry children, poverty prevailing like a plague over most of the developing countries are some of the examples which causes the world to bleed. Wars, terrorism, high crime rate are other flaws which the world faces now. We know there are things we could and should be doing, but we feel overwhelmed and powerless, we don't have the time, or we think nothing we can do could possibly make a difference.

The foundation for any infrastructure should be solid for it to survive for a long time. Like so the foundation of our society should be concrete so that this world could become a better place to live in. The major issue which we tend to ignore while discussing the problems facing the world is tolerance. Generally all the societies have lost the characteristic of being tolerant to each other. People, even families, are not tolerant of each other and are always criticizing the other, whether it is a father criticizing his child on what he’s wearing, or a brother fighting with his sister on their eating etiquettes.

Societies are sliced up in different sects. People follow the setup of class system, racial differences separate them from each other, the differences in color, region, cultures, ethics has grown so much that people have lost the tendency of seeing each other as being equals. They invade others space zone yet want their own to be safeguarded. Tolerance has seeped in between the Shias and Sunnis, Muslims and Christians, leading towards wars and other mass of destruction. But when questioned their only alibi is that they are targeting the terrorists. They have covered themselves in the blanket of spreading peace, but they are mistaken. This “peaceful journey” started, spreads only chaos, loss of innocent life and a jerky end to the elderly, who had shed their sweat and blood to build this world for us.

Tolerance requires a strong willpower. Willpower starts when stability is found in any form. This world is engulfed in instability, be it political, religious, economical or social. The ratio of progress between the developing countries and the developed countries is rising while I write this! The developing countries that have been blacklisted by being named the third world countries are now in dangerous waters where instability is concerned. Their boat of progress is half drowned due to the grave weight of loans by the World Bank and the IMF. Due to these reasons issues such as poverty leading to high crime rate, no health facilities, non existent education system have reached sky high now. To make this world a better place, every individual should give their share rather than depending on the governments. To alleviate poverty and automatically other problems, social justice between individuals and other nations should persist. The blessed nations can aid the developing ones by providing them with better education, health facilities rather than targeting them to achieve power.

On a lower level, individuals can also make a difference. a simple solution to a grave problem; smile. In all the professions of life if one gets infected by the contagious disease of smiling most of the problems can be solved.

In the song ‘Better Place To Live’ by Dolly Parton, she explains that a smile holds a bit of magic in it, which just makes life so worthwhile to live in. Time is a running factor but to make a difference, we should stop talking for once and try to give in more for this world. We should love one another instead of finding faults, should ask for forgiveness, and have the strength to forgive, and live and let live in harmony. As Dolly Parton sings and I quote:

“All life has to offer that's what most folks desire

But offer nothing in return cause they don't seem to care

And if we'd ask to be forgiven and be willing to forgive

We could make the world we're living in a better place to live”

To conclude, the world we are living in does have its ups and downs, but it is the only planet that supports life. If we stay cruel towards it, the day is near when it will turn against us. We should all take it as our own responsibility to alleviate all the problems this world is facing. Every one of us has a positive side is hiding in us, it is for us to take it out and work for the betterment.

satisfaction

Satisfaction......one word that can determine whether one is happy with their current situation or not....comfort, compensation, conciliation, contentment just a few of the synonyms....
Satisfaction; the fulfillment or gratification of a desire, need, or appetite and so the pleasure or contentment derived from such gratification... but one question....is one always satisfied?

The grass is greener on the other side... if im here...would tat one be better? No i think i would do tat much better, ill be happier in that situation...god ur so lucky to be thr..i wish i was in your shoes!

Such remarks, comments are always wat we hear and no since im writing this im not above anyone...but i think im in the middle always comparing with others and thinking that would be much better. this shoe could have been a little flatter!

Why cant we be satisfied? I ask and wonder and then pray tat everyone finds their satisfaction in Allah and i be one of them!

Face Wash

so it starts somewhere rite… of course it has to otherwise the story would just falter but wait my Face wash has a very close resemblance to Bold and the Beautiful, Santa Barbara, Tulsi, Saas bhi kabhi bahu thee, kajol blah blah dramas ever so shining on star Plus and yes of course why would Geo stay away. So I start, Once upon a time and then every time, then it became a habitual ordeal to start the very same way and end the very same way. Oh I wish I was in one of the fairy tales but no…my life is Shrek with me being the mould on Shrek’s foot.

I start again, Once Upon a time, at a very tender age, I was struck with a feeling I never knew existed, and now I wish I never knew of this feeling. Warm sensation over flowing the body, in some cases too much adrenaline running through the thin capillaries ready to burst with the very sight of someone causing eyes to glow, smile to over power the facial expressions saying otherwise, tongue tied, toes tinkling, body bent in a weird spiral angle twisting and turning side ways with the hands wanting to reach out to yet tied back in the attempt to not do so. Yes this feeling, I got entrapped in this at a very tender age.

For all of those who are thinking keh yeh bachpan se hi aisi the….aisi baat nahi hai… this feelings came with the constant bickering and squabbling from my senior members who played a game to pair everyone up. Sadly this game turned to reality for me and I got trapped in one of the scariest rides of my life. Roller coaster, pirate ship, no nothing compared to this ride I went on. From being best friends to not be able to be in the same room, the journey from pure innocent crush to a longing to a desire to plain old misery, hopelessness and complete distortion of my life. And it happened one moment we are sitting in my room talking all night all day… mobile phones didn’t exist at that time so we preferred to stay in close proximity. No don’t get any tainted ideas. Surprisingly this kept going and not going in the nitty gritty details… it started fading and a time came when it was declared that all was my own minds evil plans that I thought the feelings were reciprocal after all. MY FAULT…

REMINDER: my feelings were developed due to the influence of others and did I mention the constant fights with another counterpart ….

Anyways turned out that the counterpart won Not in the literal sense but it became unbearable to stay in the same room as it was very conveniently expressed over South Park that all was my own doings, and I was considered a sister… a sister….For the love of God… no seriously… and I had to nurse the heart, the intestines, liver, stomach (and I did take care of it so ever lovingly…thus the walks now!) residing in one corner of a darkened room listening to “My Heart Will Go On…” Jack was missing. Come back Jack…sadly the hand was let go…deep into the dark satanic oceans.

The torture; Enter the Face wash. My face wash was every where. My face wash was the mere sight of our hero entering my brigade, name displayed all over on taxis in front of my car, shops, open pages of novel highlighted with fluorescent colors. And then ok y would I forget the face wash… the cologne that my brother so proudly wore… brothers!! What do they know!! And lastly Johnsons baby lotion! The last straw!!

10 long years of total misery, of total who will ever like me… Y me God… that I was able to regain my composure with the help of a friend

Enter the friend: Great friendship, mutual understanding, same ideas, interests, thoughts, dreams, all best hai best… but God had something else in mind…. Friends stay friends, purity has to be maintained, no one can put in a dash of this and a dot of that. Those who do it…. Oh well the concoction works for them. Sadly for me another one of the heart wrenching tale started.

That was a childhood crush… this unfortunately or fortunately was something else. Don’t want to give it a name. or was it a settlement process? How could it be, if it was then I would have been settled rite? God works in mysterious ways, teaches us quite a lot of things…but then y don’t I learn? Or why is everything repeated for me?

Enter the Face wash: the perfumes all souvenirs of our friendship, the picture made specially for me, the stuffed animal rite besides my bed on the bedside table, the others at the corner of my room looking at me, smiling defiantly mocking me of my mere existence, of my sincerity in everything.

Back in the same doobti hui boat! With all the bridges burnt, I the ever brave mighty soldier plunged into another endeavor... not exactly, one from the past emerged and lets just put it this way...didn’t work out.

Enter the face wash: Subwayyy!!!!!!!!!!

So it goes you never learn from one mistake, error, blunder, fault, experience, at least I don’t learn from such mistakes. My heart says otherwise, begs me to not buy yet another face wash as i have brutally tried to kill it...smash it, ground it with hammers, feet, and all sorts of weapons. but it still is pumping blood into my organs enabling me to breath every day with all five senses alive, with only one thing missing... Emotion.

Completely Numb.

I want to dance with you

sitting here......staring outside......everything keeps on swirling.......things when going on a smoother part and then in a whisk of a second everything fades and one falls back on the tides of pain waves crashing against the stones, murky water cascading the minds of the sea gulls waiting for their bait, hypnotizing them to think otherwise yet that is only wishful thinking for the bait....as the sea gull dives in and snatches away a tiny fish swarming away to get unchained from the clutches of the devil…yet there is no escape…it becomes a part of the devil after a couple of hours. Is this fate? Is it how it’s always going to be? A run for life? Survival of the fittest…yet the fittest are actually huge in size yet small in the thinking capacity. Whereas the others who believe size doesn’t matter…they are wrong…
I remember this friend of mine who had a motto of “sab ghoot hai” and somehow this phrase has entwined my life into itself and even know my friend now has escaped the clutches of lies and deceits, I’m the custodian of this phrase…with all due respect… I want to believe in this… yet there is something stirring inside me…wanting me to run away from here… jump out of the window … or simply tear inside me and finish the voices telling me to do so… no I’m not a suicidal nor God Forbid would I ever do anything this stupid… but sometimes the feelings are too strong…
I ask the question… how does one forget the past? How can one just erase the feelings? You do something for others and never be appreciated for it…maybe coz they don’t know that you have sacrificed for their betterment… but when others are soo selfish…then y not you? It is coz you think that maybe you can change the world… no that would never happen… “one man can make a difference…pass it on…smile is contagious” whatever…
Then why is it that if you think that you have sacrificed for others betterment…that whenever faced with the same dilemma you don’t know what to do….you just feel like sitting in one corner in a dark room thinking wondering crying laughing all emotions at once… why is it that whenever that thing comes in front of you, you squirm feel nauseous, want to make things right but even by thinking that you make things go worse? Why does this happen?
God forgive me for being this way…for being so unthankful but hurting someone can have that impact…but then you are also hurt… doesn’t that count for anything? No I forgot…it doesn’t…
God forgive me…

In this altered state

Full of so much pain and rage

You know we got to find a way to let it go

I wanna dance with you

I see a world where people live and die with grace

The karmic ocean dried up and leave no trace

I wanna dance with you

I see a sky full of the stars that change our minds

And lead us back to a world we would not face

NO

its never this way.....wat we see is wat we believe....but sometimes its not like tat...somewhere deep inside feelings must be hidden taking solitude in the worst shadows that scare and frighten them to peek out with the slightest urge of reverting bak. there said it in the simplest manner....yes feelings are hidden, driven by the devils of circumstances, situations, the lines of the hand and ofcourse the most important---destiny... if its not...its not...

Life or Sth Like It

the story goes......
once upon a time...and yes the story does go on....but does it? has anyone wondered whether all the fairy tales tat end with "and they lived happily ever after" really live happily ever after...or is just a line....in reality thr is nothing as.. and they lived happily ever after...or is thr? the fornunate ones all think so....or are they? its just a perception...or how one percieves their lives to be....a man living in a kachi abadi having his children around earning only hand to mouth yet he would consider himself to be the happiest person....then the difference comes in money....or is it? perception....it is perception tat takes us places.....a rich man or ok lets just not go thr....a normal guy would be unhappy coz maybe he doesnt get his dream job rite after e has graduated.....and maybe given an internship in some big shot company....then who says tat they r not happy...getting a meagre sum of returns for his hardwork...or is it hardwork?? filing, sitting idly and yet demanding more out of life...but is he happy...no why should he be...life is not offering him the previliges as bill gates...oh come on hes a graduate student....he should b given the post of a CEO....and y not if he satisfies the credentials.........
tat is everyday life....but life.....wat is life....sulking.....depressing....upset.....feeling frustrated all the time....watt....or is it allowing one to walk all over u so even if u wash urselves up u cannot get the marks of the feet from u.....no...coz u dont let them.....the imprints are all thr...the memories stay forvever to haunt one...and then the nightmares start and they r not just at night....memories......wat r they.....y cant u let go of them.....is it coz they r thr never to be erased? like time.....it just moves on and on...tic tac of the clock..u become used to it but not to ur memories....memories run after u even if u run away frm them....farr away.....they dont leave u coz they r inbuild.....but wat u dont know is tat they never leave u coz ur holding onto them for support.....do u need support.....then y not take it frm another living being....and then y should u...u cant coz u cant extend ur hand for support coz the hands still cling onto the memories....the ever haunting memories....and life revolves around them....
i want to be free from the memories yet im scared tat ill lose my personality tat has threaded its way around them.....i will shed all those years tat have been with me for so long....the memories i have nurtured, have seen them day n night...remembered them......
i have to erase them..........